I am the epitome of that statement. In fact, the title doesn’t do it justice.
To him, everything is my fault. For everything.
To me, well, maybe I’ve told myself enough times that it’s becoming true. I can be held responsible for my actions, but I can’t be held responsible for his. And boy did he screw me over.
Lately, I’ve been making a fool of myself. I’ve been making poor decisions, and there are no excuses. Actually, I have a few.
But none of them make up for what I’ve done. No matter who I turn to… smoke, food, the toilet… not one time had I thought to go to my friends. I didn’t want to ask for help. It’s a burden and only puts me up on display to be humiliated. Ha, but I guess I’ve been doing a pretty good job of that all on my own.
I was vulnerable. And young. And dumb. And sorry.
Hello, kind stranger.
Who might you be?
A friend, you say?
Oh, I see.
You knew my mom,
and my sister too.
You shared similar thoughts,
and “things to do.”
You killed them
and you want to kill me.
But you can’t kill if you can’t catch,
and I won’t be deceived.
What’s that you say?
Kind stranger you should leave.
Stay out of my mind,
I’ll never believe.
You are no friend of mine.
Please, let me be.
Kind stranger you’ve killed,
but you won’t kill me.
I am an extra regular female, visibly invisible.
And yet, here I am. Putting myself out on a pedestal, for everyone to see, but knowing nobody will. And yet, I’m okay with that.
My extra regular routine has betrayed me, because lately, I’ve been anything but regular. A year ago, I wouldn’t recognize the girl standing before me. I haven’t physically changed, sadly, I could stand to lose a few (dozen) pounds. Emotionally and mentally, though, I’m somebody entirely new. And I’m not entirely sure that’s a good thing.
I’ve been very sheltered growing up, oblivious to the world around me. I’m not ignorant so much as randy now. Being a teenager, what else would you expect? Sooner or later, everybody warned me of the urges I would face. 17 years old, and now I’m wanting to fap? It’s a bit late, but nonetheless oh-so powerful.
Missing school for a month because of mono definitely added majorly to my stress factor, but I needed to look to release all this sexual tension.
So, naturally, I turn to my best friend. Who happens to be the ex of my other best friend.
Not so basic now, am I? Oh, but I’m definitely a bitch.
Or, at least, I made a bitch move.
I hadn’t planned to be pure ganting when I saw him. Everything happened in the heat of the moment. First base led to second base, and that’s as far as I let it go. Why had my sub-conscious decide to finally speak up when it was too late? I betrayed a friend. A best friend.
I could never tell her, but of course I’m perfectly comfortable confronting strangers via the world wide freaking web.
I suppose at this point it’s a matter of doing the right thing. But then again if I had done the right thing to begin with, I wouldn’t be in this mess. Maybe doing the wrong thing leads you to doing the right thing, but either way I’m in the wrong. And I know I have to make it right.